Voldemort Goes to Zimbabwe
by The Hogsmeade Fwoopers
Summary: Of COURSE dear ol' Voldy's gonna try to expand his empire! Why not in Africa? Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, and Voldemort's pet rabbit (Horrors!) embark on a totally insane trip to the wilds of Africa...Much horror. CHAPTER 6 NOW UP!!!
1. VGtZ Part One-The Airport

Hiya!  
  
Here we go. Thus begins the perilous journey...Buckle your seatbelts and keep all hands and feet inside the storyline, and keep plenty of pixie sticks and butterbeer onhand. Things are gonna get hairy...  
  
Anything you might recognize does not belong to me.  
  
Have fun! Flames are always accepted!  
  
~~The Hogsmeade Fwoopers  
  
Voldemort Goes to Zimbabwe  
  
Part One: The Airport  
  
*Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort are sitting in a Muggle Airport terminal. Both are wearing Muggle clothes (Voldemort is getting stared at left and right for his bad make-up job) and they are obviously about to board a plane. The destination on the computer screen is Harare, Zimbabwe.*  
  
Lucius: So remind me again, Master...Precisely WHY are we going to Zimbabwe?  
  
Voldemort: Silence! You cannot comprehend my ways!  
  
Lucius: Ah. I see.  
  
Voldemort: Right, Commander Bun-Bun?  
  
*Voldemort gestures to an animal carry-on case and proceeds to stick his finger into one of the grates that make up the door. He is bitten almost immediately.*  
  
Voldemort: GOD DMN THAT FSCKING THING...  
  
Lucius: One more question...Why exactly did you bring your pet rabbit as well, even though you KNOW it hates you?  
  
Voldemort: *eyes narrow and several small children scream* BECAUSE I SAID SO.  
  
Lucius: Ah. I see.  
  
Voldemort: And Commander Bun-Bun doesn't hate me.  
  
Lucius: Then why did he bite you?  
  
Voldemort: *look of doom/death*  
  
Lucius: *voice cracks* Oh look! They've begun boarding! *gets up* Get out your ticket, Master.  
  
Voldemort: *blinkblink* Ticket?  
  
Lucius: Yes. The white paper I gave you less than five minutes ago.  
  
Voldemort: Oh, I gave it to Commander Bun-Bun. He needed fresh paper in his cage.  
  
Lucius: ..........................You gave your boarding pass to your pet RABBIT?!?!  
  
Voldemort: *eyes narrow again, causing several adults to scream* Something wrong with that?  
  
Lucius: Well...actually, yes, Master.  
  
Voldemort: YOU DARE DEFY ME?! *gets up and assumes foreboding and evil stance-several people faint*  
  
Lucius: Eep! *cowers* Um...You need your pass to get on the plane, Master.  
  
Voldemort: Do not.  
  
Lucius: Do too-Aw, forget it. *gets in line to board*  
  
Stewardess: Hello, may I have your ticket?  
  
Lucius: Here. *hands over his ticket*  
  
Stewardess: Thank you. Enjoy your flight.  
  
Lucius: Thank you. *boards the plane as fast as he can*  
  
Voldemort: Why, that little...  
  
Stewardess: May I have your ticket?  
  
Voldemort: If you can get it from under Commander Bun-Bun's bum...  
  
Stewardess: What?  
  
Voldemort: My rabbit stole my ticket. Can I board now?  
  
Stewardess: Um...I suppose...but you'll have to be searched.  
  
Voldemort: "Searched"?  
  
Stewardess: Security!  
  
*Voldemort gets hustled off to a secluded room where the incredibly acute airport security proceed to search our favorite Dark Wizard.*  
  
Security Guy #1: *fumbles in Voldemort's coat* Long, wooden stick...  
  
Security Guy #2: *writing* Wood...stick...  
  
SG1: Bottled substance...  
  
SG2: Bottled...substance...  
  
SG1: Rabbit food...  
  
SG2: Rabbit...food...  
  
SG1: World Domination for Dummies...  
  
Voldemort: Hey! Don't lose my place! That's a good book!  
  
SG2: *continues to write*  
  
SG1: Toothpaste, floss, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, and...*takes out a pink My Little Pony*...One "Dancing Heart" My Little Pony figurine.  
  
SG2: *stops writing and stares in disgust*  
  
Voldemort: It's Commander Bun-Bun's favorite chew toy! Honest!  
  
SG2: *shakes head in disbelief*  
  
BACK ON THE PLANE  
  
Lucius: I wonder where Voldemort went.  
  
*Voldemort limps down the aisle, obviously suffering from a well-placed wedgie. He lugs Commander Bun-Bun's cage lazily about, clobbering a few passengers on the head.*  
  
Lucius: Have a nice trip?  
  
Voldemort: *slumps into seat* Remind me to curse you later. What are you doing in the window seat?!  
  
Lucius: This is where my ticket told me to go.  
  
Voldemort: It told you to sit there?  
  
Lucius: Yes.  
  
Voldemort: .............Muggles have talking paper. They're more advanced than we thought.  
  
Lucius: *deep sigh*  
  
Voldemort: What?  
  
Lucius: Nothing.  
  
*Plane starts and takes flight.*  
  
Voldemort: That was fun! Let's do that again!  
  
Lucius: NO!  
  
Voice: This is your captain speaking. We'll be arriving in Harare in approximately twelve hours, so sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight.  
  
Voldemort: TWELVE HOURS?!?!?  
  
Lucius: I suggested Apparating, but nooo....You just had to go about it the HARD way, didn't you?  
  
Voldemort: SHUT....UP.  
  
Lucius: That reminds me. You only chose Zimbabwe to dominate because of the name, didn't you?  
  
Voldemort: ..................................................  
  
Lucius: DIDN'T YOU?!?!  
  
Voldemort: YES, I DID!!! OKAY?  
  
Lucius: Okay! Just checking!  
  
Voldemort: Geez...everyone's a critic. But doesn't that sound cool? Zim-BAB-we!  
  
Lucius: *groan*  
  
Voldemort: It's almost musical! Listen- ZIM-bab-WE! ZEEMBABWEE!!! Zimmmm.....baaaaaaaaaaaab......wayyyyy.....  
  
Lucius: Twelve hours of THIS...Someone please shoot me in the head...  
  
Voldemort: That can be arranged.  
  
Lucius: I was being sarcastic.  
  
*Small child pokes Voldemort from behind-Voldemort looks around*  
  
Voldemort: What?  
  
Child: Are we there yet?  
  
Voldemort: No.  
  
Child: Are we there yet?  
  
Voldemort: No.  
  
Twelve hours later...  
  
Child: Are we there yet?  
  
Voldemort: No.  
  
Child: Are we there yet?  
  
Voldemort: No.  
  
Child: Are we there yet?  
  
Voldemort: NO.  
  
Child: Are we there yet?  
  
Voldemort: NO!!!  
  
Child: Are we there yet?  
  
Voldemort: NO!!! FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!!!  
  
Child's Mother: How dare you raise your voice to my son! *smacks Voldemort so hard he hits the seat in front of him*  
  
Lucius: *snorts with laughter into his complimentary peanuts and soda* Are you...okay?  
  
Voldemort: Fine...Stupid Muggles...  
  
Voice: This is your captain speaking. We will be shortly landing in Harare, so I'll be turning on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. Thank you for choosing British Airways, and we hope to see you again soon.  
  
Voldemort: Don't count on it...  
  
*Plane lands and Voldemort and Lucius exit*  
  
Lucius: Now what?  
  
Voldemort: We need to...um...  
  
Lucius: Pick up our luggage?  
  
Voldemort: Right.  
  
Lucius: This way.  
  
*The two come to a wall of signs*  
  
Lucius: Um.........  
  
Voldemort: They're all in Swahili, you idiot!  
  
Lucius: Well, we ARE in Zimbabwe...  
  
Voldemort: I thought I commanded you to learn Zimbabwese!  
  
Lucius: "Zimbabwese?"  
  
Voldemort: Um...I mean Swahili.  
  
Lucius: Oh, okay.  
  
Voldemort: I take it you didn't.  
  
Lucius: Ah...no.  
  
Voldemort: Perfect. Simply perfect. *takes out wand and turns Lucius into a ferret*  
  
Lucius: Turn me back NOW!  
  
Voldemort: Hush. *puts Lucius in cage with Commander Bun-Bun: Scratching and rumbling can be heard* Now then...off to the Baggage Claim.  
  
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN....  
  
~~~End of Chapter One~ 


	2. VGtZ Part Two-Customs and Baggage Claim

Here we go again...have fun!  
  
Anything you might recognize does not belong to me.  
  
~Rei  
  
Voldemort Goes To Zimbabwe  
  
Part Two: Customs and Baggage Claim  
  
*When we last left our "heroes" (yeah, right), Lucius had not learned Swahili as he was commanded to, and thus was turned into a ferret. After shoving him in the cage with Commander Bun-Bun, Voldemort then decided to go to the baggage claim. And the story continues...*  
  
*Voldemort is now standing in line for the customs check.*  
  
Voldemort: Stupid lackey Lucius...Will you STOP making the cage rumble?! My poor little Commander Bun-Bun...  
  
Lucius- *muffled* FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT THOSE AWAY!!! *squeaks in horror*  
  
*People all crane their heads to look at the talking rattling cage*  
  
Voldemort- It's nothing! Go away!  
  
*Box continues to rattle and Lucius continues to scream*  
  
Voldemort: Okay, OKAY!!! I'll let you out and turn you back! Geez! *opens cage, removes a very browbeaten ferret-pieces of his fur are missing and his eyes are bulging out of his head* Ooh...Bad Commander Bun-Bun! I need to put you on a diet...blood is clearly not good for you. I need to stop letting you hang out with Alejandro.  
  
Lucius: Who's Alejandro?  
  
Voldemort: The rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  
  
Lucius: THAT explains it...Can I be a human again?  
  
Voldemort: Oops. *takes out wand and turns Lucius back, making several African Muggles gasp and start chattering in Swahili*  
  
Lucius: That...was absolutely...  
  
Voldemort: Entertaining?  
  
Lucius: PAINFUL...  
  
Voldemort: Close enough.  
  
*By this point, they have made it to Customs.*  
  
Customs Agent: *with a lisp* Well, my thtars! What an adorable couple you two make!  
  
Voldemort and Lucius: WHAT?!?!??!  
  
CA: You thilly geeth.  
  
Voldemort: Um...............What?  
  
CA: Like, anyway...ith there anything you'd like to declare?  
  
Lucius: Um...not really...  
  
Voldemort: No.  
  
CA: I don't believe you.  
  
Voldemort: You don't?  
  
CA: Nope. I'm gonna have to frithk you.  
  
Lucius: "Frithk?"  
  
CA: Prethisely. Now, thpread your-  
  
Voldemort: *to Lucius* Fly, you fool! FLY!  
  
Lucius: Wait a moment...*takes out wand* Castraticus!  
  
*Customs agent falls to the floor, curls up into a fetal position and begins to scream in falsetto. Voldemort and Lucius begin to point and laugh hysterically.*  
  
Voldemort: Very smooth move, Lucius. You get a cookie later.  
  
Lucius: YESSS!!!  
  
Security: HEY!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!?  
  
Lucius: Uh oh.  
  
Voldemort: And now we have to run.  
  
*Voldemort and Lucius hightail it, but are immediately stopped by security. They are taken in a back room and are searched. Voldemort gets through no problem ("What's with the My Little Pony?"), and now it's Lucius' turn.*  
  
Security Guy #1: Long wooden stick...  
  
Security Guy #2: Long...wooden...stick...  
  
SG1: Pictures of a female and male...  
  
Lucius: My wife and son.  
  
SG1: How nice. I'll be sure to tell Pat that you're not gay.  
  
Lucius: Who's that? Some other female?  
  
SG1: ...No...Remember that customs agent?  
  
Lucius: Oh. In that case, make it a priority.  
  
SG1: Will do. Now then...what's this? *holds up a rather worn teddy bear*  
  
Lucius: ACK! Nathaniel! *grabs bear and begins to cuddle it*  
  
Voldemort: And people say I'M bad...  
  
Lucius: Don't make fun of Nathaniel!  
  
Voldemort: Oh, good grief.  
  
SG1: Anyway, you're both clear. Go directly to baggage claim-your bags should be arriving any second.  
  
Lucius: Thank you.  
  
*Voldemort and Lucius exit and make their way to the baggage claim*  
  
Voldemort: Okay, we're here. Now what?  
  
Lucius: No idea. *Nearly jumps out of his skin when a siren begins to blare and lights begin to flash*  
  
Voldemort: *whips out wand* What in the bloody blazes- *gets cut off by the conveyer belt for the baggage starting up* Ooh...*steps on* Whee!!! FASTER!!! *taps conveyer belt with wand, causing baggage to fly off because of the dramatic change in speed* WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! *goes through the luggage flaps, comes back out, and circles back around several times more*  
  
Lucius: Hey, that looks like fun!!! *jumps on* WHEEEE!!!!  
  
*someone decides to stop the conveyer belt, and Voldemort and Lucius fly off, hitting several people and smashing through the glass doors to the outside*  
  
Lucius: *obviously dizzy* Whoo....that was fun. Oh look, there's our baggage!  
  
*Lucius points to several black trunks near them covered in glass*  
  
Voldemort: That was fun! Again!  
  
Lucius: Nah...on the way back, maybe.  
  
Voldemort: Yay! I mean...uh...You'd better!  
  
Lucius: Of course. Now help me with the bags.  
  
Voldemort: Why should I? I'm the evil wizard here! I practically OWN you!  
  
Lucius: *groan* O-kay......*heaves trunks on his back*  
  
Voldemort: There's a good lackey. Now, to find suitable transportation.  
  
Lucius: Can't we just apparate?  
  
Voldemort: NO.  
  
Lucius: Darn.  
  
*Voldemort tries desperately to hail a cab, but none seem to want to stop.*  
  
Voldemort: Great. Just great.  
  
Lucius: Well...we COULD try public transportation...  
  
*Both stare at the bus stop sign with horror and dread*  
  
*DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN*  
  
~~~fin  
  
Thus ends Chapter two. Coming up-Voldie and Lucius take a bus ride with the locals and discover something absolutely horrible-Where's Commander Bun-Bun?!?! Stay tuned, folks. 


	3. VGtZ Part Three- Public Transportation

Hi again!  
  
I stupidly forgot to give cookies in the last chapter-Mucho cookies to Matt (aka Chipmunk boy) for the conveyer belt idea. May you be showered with cookieage.  
  
Now for the basic disclaimer-anything you might recognize does not belong to me. Even Commander Bun-Bun isn't mine-can you imagine that? I think he belongs to Topaz...Appearing in "The Confessions Booth". A most hysterical HP fic. I highly recommend reading it..."Bless me, Snape, for I have sinned." _  
  
Now, on to chapter three. Ole!  
  
Voldemort Goes To Zimbabwe  
  
Part Three: Public Transportation  
  
(When we last left our victims-er, heroes-er, subjects, they were about to embark on the most dangerous thing they'd ever encountered-the horrors of African public transportation. We meet them again in line for the African version of the Greyhound bus system, which turns out to be a glorified goat cart. And thus, the trauma continues..)  
  
Voldemort: HEY!!! QUIT CUTTING IN LINE!!! I WAS HERE FIRST!!! *shoves elderly woman out of the way and jumps on the "bus"*  
  
Elderly Woman: //JERK!!//  
  
Voldemort: What?  
  
Lucius: Ah, she called you a jerk, master.  
  
Voldemort: I thought you couldn't speak Zimbabwese!  
  
Lucius: I can't. But I know what they're saying, anyway!  
  
Voldemort: How useful. NOT. *takes out wand and turns elderly woman into a goat* That's what you get for insulting me. *turns Lucius into a rabbit*  
  
Lucius: ACK! Not a rabbit!  
  
Voldemort: Too bad. Want me to put you in with Commander Bun-Bun again?  
  
Lucius: NO!!!  
  
Voldemort: That's what I thought. *sits in seat by window* Another smart comment from you, and Commander Bun-Bun will have a new roommate. *pats cage*  
  
Lucius: *quivers in fear*  
  
Voldemort: Now then...*takes out handy-dandy map of Harare* We need to figure out somewhere to stay...  
  
Random Zimbabwe Resident: //Excuse me, your rabbit is loose.//  
  
Voldemort: Don't bother me.  
  
RZR: //There is a large rabbit terrorizing the passengers. We think it's yours-please take care of it.//  
  
Voldemort: I said, leave me alone!  
  
RZR: //Sir, I must insist! Several people have been hurt by this rodent's wildness, and-OH MY GOD!!! AIEEEE!!!//  
  
*screams are heard in the background and the bus gives a horrible lurch*  
  
Voldemort: Now, this hotel's not far...*is total oblivious to the chaos all around* Maybe we could stay here. What do you think, Lucius?  
  
Lucius: I think we're about to die.  
  
Voldemort: Nonsense! Why would we...*eyes widen*  
  
*The bus is about to careen off a cliff-the driver is nowhere in sight*  
  
Voldemort: AIEEEEEE!!!!  
  
Lucius: AIEEEEEE!!!!  
  
Passengers: AIEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Lucius: Master, we have to jump!  
  
Voldemort: JUMP?!?! Are you insane?!  
  
Lucius: Do you have a better idea?!  
  
Voldemort: ...Ummmm.....no.  
  
Lucius: JUMP NOW!!!  
  
*Both jump out the window as the bus hurtles over the edge of the chasm. The other passengers scream horribly as they plunge to their doom, which winds up to be becoming a crater from the explosion following the bus' landing on jagged rocks.*  
  
Lucius: The horrors of public transportation...remind me to never take a Muggle bus again.  
  
Voldemort: Damn...that was crazy.  
  
Lucius: You can say that again.  
  
Voldemort: Damn...that was crazy.  
  
Lucius: *flatly* It's an expression, master.  
  
Voldemort: Oh. *looks around* Where's Commander Bun-Bun?!  
  
Lucius: At the bottom of the cliff, I hope.  
  
Voldemort: *Promptly thumps Bunny-Lucius on the head* SILENCE, Bunny Fuu-Fuu. Or I shall thump you on the head again.  
  
Lucius: BUNNY FUU-FUU?!?!?  
  
Voldemort: I have to replace my Commander Bun-Bun SOMEHOW, you know!  
  
Lucius: Oh look! There's his cage over there! *waves paw frantically*  
  
Voldemort: COMMANDER BUN-BUN!!! *throws Lucius over shoulder and races towards cage*  
  
Lucius: *almost careens off cliff but catches edge at the last second* ACK!!!  
  
*Voldemort snatches up cage but finds it open and empty*  
  
Voldemort: Oh, here's my ticket! *takes out shredded piece of paper that once was an airline ticket*  
  
Lucius: *pulls self back over cliff edge* It's a little late for that, doncha think?  
  
Voldemort: SHUT UP. Geez, you're even more annoying as a rabbit. *turns Lucius back into a person* Wait, Commander Bun-Bun isn't here! Where is he?!  
  
Lucius: I don't know...but the cage is open. He probably escaped.  
  
Voldemort: My poor little Commander Bun-Bun...lost in the African wilds...*begins to sniff sadly*  
  
Lucius: *notices a trail of snapped branches and twigs* Look, master! A trail! Maybe that's where Commander Bun-Bun went!  
  
Voldemort: Maybe...let's go find Commander Bun-Bun! I miss him already...  
  
*DUN DUN DUNNNNN*  
  
~~~End of part three  
  
Next, we begin Voldemort, Lucius, and the Quest for the Holy Rabbit. Trauma galore-stay tuned! 


	4. VGtZ Part Four-The Saga Begins...

A/N: Hi, faithful reviewers!  
  
            I'm sorry for not updating in-*checks watch* four months, but I've had a Cheetos bag full of work to do…(Hey, if you've ever tried to eat a whole bag of Cheetos, especially the Flaming Hot kinds, you know that you can't finish it for months-unless you have a VERY high tolerance for pain.)  Mmm…Cheetos…@_@  
Augh!  Ehe…anyhoo, thanks for snapping me out of my zoned trance…I'll be updating more frequently.  BLAST YOU, SEMESTER EXAMS!!!  BLAST YOU TO HECK!!!  
Ahem.  Have fun, and please review some more!  Now it's expected!  ^_~

~Rei

VGtZ: Part Four: The Quest Begins…

_//When we last left our intrepid duo, they were starting their obviously-prolonged-and-totally-pointless trek for the holy rabbit, an entity only known to mortals as COMMANDER BUN-BUN.  Thus, the saga continues…//_

*Setting: The wilds of Zimbabwe.  Oddly enough, it looks like the set for Tarzan, King of the Apes.  Quelle coincidence.*

Voldemort: *batting branches and ferns aside* Any sign of him, my faithful lackey?

Lucius: *being smart and using a severing charm to get the foliage out of his way* None at all…*strained* _my liege…_

Voldemort:  Keep looking.  I didn't hire you for your brains, anyway.  I hired you for your ability to look for my rabbit.

Lucius:  That made absolutely no sense.

Voldemort:  Think, Lucius.  Think REALLY hard.

Lucius: Do you mean to say that all your minions are nothing but glorified bunny caretakers?!

Voldemort:  Wow, first try!  Smart monkey!

Lucius:  I am not a monkey.

Voldemort: You're a lackey.

Lucius: I am not a lackey.

Voldemort: You're a minion.

Lucius: I am not a minion.

Voldemort: YOU ARE WHATEVER I SAY YOU ARE, AND YOU'LL LIKE IT, DAMMIT!!!

Lucius: *cowers and whimpers*  Yes, Master…  *takes out Nathaniel and cuddles with it*  Find a happy place…

Voldemort:  Lucius, what ARE you doing?

Lucius: I'm restrengthening my self-esteem.  It's important, you know.  *squeezes Nathaniel, which makes a squeaking noise*

Voldemort:  Ye Gods…Liberal ideas are spreading.  It's a plague.

*Suddenly, an almost harmonic chorus of bloodcurdling screams is heard over the heavily canopied trees.*

Voldemort:  COMMANDER BUN-BUN!!!  He's THAT way!!!  *points straight off another cliff*

Lucius: *puts Nathaniel away* I don't think he'll be off another cliff, Master…

Voldemort: Nonsense.  It's entirely conceivable.  Come, my loyal minion. *runs to edge of cliff*

Lucius:  Yes, Master… *follows*

*The two look down the gorge and see pure pandemonium.  A tribal village of wild Tiki Tiki men lays in ruin, flame and pieces of teepee scattered around the settlement.  The natives themselves are either running about in large circles or laying dead in rather uncomfortable-looking positions.*

Voldemort: My beloved Commander Bun-Bun has been here!  I'm gonna investigate!  *runs and jumps off cliff* GERONIMO!!!

Lucius: MASTER!!!  *jumps off* GERONIMO!

An Indian Who Just Happened To Be There At That Very Moment: *jumps off* ME!!!

*Lucius and Voldemort (the Indian disappeared in midair-ooh, Magic!) fall into a pool of deep-*

Lucius: SH%*&@#$, THAT'S COLD!!!!!!!!!   F$*&SH@%#^!!!!!!!!

*-And extremely frigid water.  They surface and paddle their way to shore.  They sit shivering on the bank for over an hour, lamenting their sad and sorry fates.*

Lucius: What sad and sorry fate?

_//I'm the writer.  You're supposed to be lamenting.  SO LAMENT!!!//_

Lucius: So YOU'RE the one responsible for this fiasco!  How dare you!

Voldemort: Um, Lucius…cool it…

Lucius: I will NOT 'cool it'!  Now is the time to be heard and I won't stand for this mistreatment any longer!!!  In fact, I- *is silenced suddenly by a large iguana dropping from his mouth*

_//That'll teach you.//_

Voldemort: Lucius, I was about to say, since she's the author, she can do whatever she likes.

Lucius: That little- *a toad drops from his mouth* Erp.

Voldemort: I'm going to lament now.  Joining me, Lucius?

Lucius: *nods*

*The two lament for an hour.*

Lucius:  A-B-C-D-E-F-G, this whole day is boring me… *a new vile animal drops from his mouth on every syllable*

Voldemort: Can we stop lamenting now?

_//Yes.//_

Voldemort: Yay!

*The two get up and walk through the remainder of the village.  Not surprisingly, no one is there besides the dead people, and dead people don't do anyone much good.  So they finally reach the edge of the little village and they find a clue.*

Voldemort: What clue?

Lucius: *points*

*A piece of paper is pinned to a tree by a dagger.*

Voldemort: *runs over* *snatches paper from tree and reads aloud*  'Dear persons, we've stolen thy wee rabbit.  Har har.  If ye do not bring us a bottle of cedar scent, a hamster, and a pair of garden loppers, we shall sacrifice the beast to the great god Knicknackpaddywhack.  HAHAHA.  Love and cookies, The Knights who say Nee.'  Well, this is inconvenient.

Lucius: No kidding.  *a snake falls from mouth*

Voldemort:  SNAKE!!!  *runs over to snake and picks it up*

Lucius: What are you doing? *stomps on tarantula that falls from mouth*

Voldemort: Getting help.  *begins to talk rapidly in Parseltongue*

Lucius: …………………

Voldemort: *listens while the snake talks back; Voldemort continues to talk in Parseltongue*

Lucius: *sings* Have you ever seen a windbag, a windbag, a windbag, have you ever seen a windbag, well there's one right now…*a whole wave of lizards erupts from his mouth*

Voldemort: *shouts*  I KNOW WHERE COMMANDER BUN-BUN IS!!!

Lucius:  NO!  I mean, YES!  *random creatures fall from mouth*

Voldemort: TO THE CATAPAULTS!!!

_//To be continued…//_

~fin for now

*He he…Sorry for the Liberal crack I put in there…I'm a Republican, you might have already guessed.  ^_^;;;  No offense meant, and if there was offense taken, please make your flames interesting.  ^_^


	5. VGtZ Part Five- The Gratuitous Lucius Ch...

A/N: Hi hi!

Just for you peeps, I'm taking a break from my relentless studying and writing a chapter.  Feel special.  Say it with me:  "BLAST SEMESTER EXAMS TO HECK!!!"  It's almost musical.  Just like "Zimbabwe".  ^_^  
If I knew who pTerry was, I would certainly read his books.  Especially if he (or she) uses the same terminology I do ^_~  Of course I'll keep with the old English; it's a second language to me besides Modern English, doncha know.  
Remember, I'll continue this as long as I get reviews.  So if you value your humor, REVIEW!!!  Oh, please review!  I would be ever so happy if you did!  ^_^  Ja mata for now!

~Rei

VGtZ: Part Five: The First Parody/Lucius-Devoted Chapter. Weehoo.

_//When we last left our intrepid duo, they had just received a clue about the mysterious rodent, COMMANDER BUN-BUN's whereabouts, and were plotting means to find and rescue him.//_

Voldemort: Are you finished with the plans yet, monkey?

Lucius: *holds up piece of paper with the words 'I hate rabbits' on it in red crayon*

_//It's not going too well.//_

Voldemort: You're telling me.

_//Yes I am.  Anyway, Lucius finally comes up with some equations.//_

Lucius: To get to Point "A"; tribe of the Knights of Nee; from Point "B"; here; by using a crude catapult like this *motions to catapult*, we would have to have a 15 degree angle of velocity, and a 60 degree stopping point on the lever.

_//Whoa.//_

Voldemort: -_0…What?

Lucius: I'm so smart.

_//Too smart.  Hey, didn't I curse you before?//_

Lucius: …um…no!  Of course not!

Voldemort: You heathen, she did too curse you before.  You just don't want her to remember and write it back in.

Lucius: I have no idea what you're talking about!  *nervous laugh*  Ehe…

_//I'll leave you alone for this.  Someone might eat whatever falls out of your mouth next.//_

Lucius: Thank you.

Voldemort: Can I go on the catapult now? *climbs into catapult dish*

Lucius: I don't know if it's safe…

Voldemort: Who cares? *Uses a severing charm on the rope, Voldemort flies into the jungle* WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee………*distant thud*

Lucius: Awwwwww……FSCK!  This is NOT good.

_//Lucius thinks about it for a minute and decides to catapult himself to the spot where his master flew.//_

Lucius: Like hell I am!

_//Grrrrrr….FINE.  Face the horrors of the Zimbabwese jungle.  I dare you.//_

Lucius: Bite me.

_//By the end of the day, something will.//_

Lucius: I'm so afraid. *starts into jungle*  Ooh, it's a leaf, it might attack me.  Ooh, it's a _scary_ tree.  I'm afraid!

*A squirrel shoots out from the underbrush*

Squirrel: *chitters and holds out an acorn*

Lucius: For me?  Why, I don't know what to say.

Squirrel: *bashful chitters*

Lucius: *flings acorn at squirrel and nails it on the head*  Hit the road, bucky!

Squirrel: *angry chittering and waving of fists*

Lucius: Hah.  Like you could do something to m-

_//Lucius is cut off by falling through a hole hidden by foliage.  He lands on his stomach, face to face with-//_

Lucius: HOLY RUTHERFORD B. HAYES ON A STICK!!!

_//No, a horde of sleeping baboons.//_

Lucius: LIKE THAT'S ANY BETTER!!!

_//Lucius tries to creep quietly away, but he comes upon a familiar face.//_

Lucius: Squirrel buddy!

Squirrel: *chatters*

Lucius: SHH!!!  Quiet!

Squirrel: *starts crying*

Lucius: Aw, crapshake!  Nononono!  Don't cry!

_//All the baboons wake up.//_

Lucius: Sweet baby Jesus.

Baboons: *SNARL*

Lucius: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

_//Thus a fast-paced, action-packed chase scene ensues.  Lucius finally gets cornered against a ravine and decides to jump.//_

Lucius: WHAT?!

_//I SAID, JUMP!//_

Lucius: AIEEE!!! *jumps*

_//Lucius is immediately caught by a vine-swinging redhead in a loincloth.//_

Lucius: What in the- *looks up*  AAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!

Ron: *looks down* What?

Lucius: WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Ron: Saving your sorry carcass.

Lucius: I can see that, but why aren't you at school?!

Ron: School's out, remember?  This is a summer job.

Lucius: Well, I knew you could use the money, but this is ridiculous.

Ron: The loincloth was NOT my idea.

Lucius: Really?  Then whose was it?

Ron: Draco's.

Lucius: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!….Okay, not asking.  Note to self: Beat Draco senseless at first available chance…

Ron: Hey, I had revenge against you for a while!  Tee hee, now I can fulfill it!  Yayisms!

Lucius: OH, GOD…

Ron: *lets Lucius go* Arreiverderci, sucker! *continues to swing on vines through the canopy* *weak imitation Tarzan yell* *hits tree*

Lucius: *crashes through several hundred feet of foliage*  AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_//Suddenly Lucius has a soft landing.//_

Lucius: OOMPH!!!

_//Sort of.//_

Lucius: *rubs head* …ow…

Voice: GET OFFA ME!!!!

Lucius: Oh. *gets up* OH, SH-

_//Voldemort slowly picks himself up and dusts off his robes//_

Voldemort: You clumsy FOOL!

Lucius: *cowers*  I'm sorry, Master! *kowtows* Forgive me!

Voldemort: I'll kill you later.  Look where we are!

Lucius: *looks around and eyes grow wide* …………………

Voldemort: So many shiny objects, so little time, huh?

Lucius: *_*……What do we get to break first?

Voldemort: Patience…that time will come.

Lucius:  *whines* But I want it now!

Voldemort: Hush, you.  Let us go…to the temple of Boomshakalakalaka.

_//Insert dramatic music here//_

  
~~

_//What is Voldemort speaking of?  What is Lucius salivating over?  Where the hell ARE they?  Where on earth is Commander Bun-Bun?!  Find out in the next episode of VOLDEMORT GOES TO ZIMBABWE!//_

_//Brought to you by the good folks at Mazoku Technologies Limited.  Remember, the secret to success is always a  secret. ^_~//_

Yes, I do think Ron is an idiot.  So sue me.  Wait…some of you out there just might.  Crap.


	6. VGtZ Part Six: In Which Lucius Makes ANO...

A/N: One...two…three…FREEDOM!!!!!!!  ^_^  No more school until August!  Just 'cause you peeps have been so patient with a dunderhead such as myself for such a long time, I'll see to it that more chapters come out quicker.  I realize I have no excuse for my delay, depriving you all of insanity for a while…so I promise the next chapter will be out soon.  Wait, I do have an excuse for my lateness- a horrible little disease called **WRITER'S BLOCK.** *DUN DUN DUNNN…* THE HORROR!!!

Oh well, the point is, I'll update sooner.  M'kay?  ^_~  M'kay.  Hyper chic, n'est pas?  Bien sû­­­r.  He he.  Anyway, here's another chapter.  Please being enjoying it, and remember to review!!!  ^_^

All power to Commander Bun-Bun!

~Rei

­VGtZ Part Six: In Which Lucius Makes ANOTHER Stupid Mistake.

_//When we last left the two wizard wannabes, Lucius had rejoined Voldemort and they were beholding a newfound native tribe.//_

Lucius: It's all so shiny!  *stars in eyes*

_//Everything in the village is coated with chrome and crystal.//_

Voldemort: Isn't it just magnificent?

Lucius: Yes.  What can I break first?

Voldemort:  Hush, you fool.  Let's go to that big building over there.  *he points at a large temple*

_//The two bound over to the temple.  Lucius spots a wooden sign out front and reads it aloud.//_

Lucius: 'Welcome to the Temple of the Almighty God Boomshakalakalaka.  Hours: 1 Candlemark to Burndown.  All violators will be systematically destroyed.  No flash photography.  Thank you for visiting.'  Isn't that so sweet.

Voldemort: Isn't it just.  Let us proceed indoors.

_//Guess what, kids?  They go inside!  Ooh!//_

Voldemort: Well, butter my buns and call me biscuit.

Lucius: That's an odd request.

Voldemort: *exasperated sigh* It's a rhetorical question, you fool…

Lucius: Writ-or-ick-al?  *blinkblink*  What are you talking about?

Voldemort: Nothing.

_//The inside of the temple looks like the Nouveau Louvre.  Meaning, it looks like it was made entirely of glass.//_

Lucius:  *in awe* Oh my gentle Jesus…I think I'm about to cry.

Voldemort: Please don't.  I don't think the villagers would like that.

Lucius: But…but…but…

Voldemort: Don't give me any buts!  You seem to have a big but about shiny objects.  Well, I won't allow it! *Takes out wand and turns Lucius into a ferret* There.

Lucius: A ferret?  Again?

Voldemort: Yes.  Now behave yourself while I look around.  And stay away from that priceless-looking crystal statuette over there on that pedestal.  *walks off and joins a tour*

Lucius: Yes, master…*under breath* Like hell I will…

_//We interrupt this program to state that Lucius is a stupid fool.  Thank you.//_

Lucius: I represent that remark!  *skitters over to statuette*  How pretty and shiny and clear and sparkly and-whoopsie! *he accidentally bumps the statuette with his tail, causing it to fall over and shatter into a million pieces when it hits the ground*

Lucius: Uh……oh……I'm in trouble.  What to do, what to do…

_//Lucius has a flashback to his younger Dark Wizarding days, when he was just memorizing the Leithold Handbook for the Evil and remembers something important.//_

Lucius: When in doubt…HIDE.

_//I thought it was something along the lines of, "Kill everybody and run".//_

Lucius: That's what everybody thinks.  But the real rule is if you break something important or the like, to run like fury FIRST and have the offended ones take out their anger on the person they find at the scene.  Then come back, kill them, and laugh.  He he.

_//Lucius runs and hides behind a large statue of a-wait, that's not right.  Sorry.//_

Lucius: A statue of a what?

_//Nothing.  You hide in a plant pot.//_

Lucius: Oh, okay.  *hides in a plant pot*

_//Voldemort finishes the tour and comes back to the vicinity where he saw Lucius last.//_

Voldemort:  LUUUUCCIIIIUSSSS!!!!!!!  Where are you?  I want to visit the gift shop!!!  *sees the broken statuette*  Oh, swizzlestick…he just HAD to break it…

_//Two guards in very decorated togas dash on the scene carrying spears, swords, and coconuts.//_

Guard #1: FREEZE!  *shoves spear in front of Voldemort's nose* We caught you red-handed!

Guard #2: You broke our tribute to Aphrodite, queen of the Gods!  You must be punished!  *brandishes coconut menacingly*

Voldemort: Ahem.  First off, I didn't do anything, and second, I thought Hera was queen of the Gods.  Third, I didn't know you worshipped Grecian gods.

Guard #1: You were caught breaking the…our gods are GRECIAN?!

Guard #2: He's lying.  Let's kill him.

Voldemort: WHAT?!  Let me explain!

Guard #1: Too late. *jabs spear threateningly*

Voldemort: *falls backward* AIE!  You've got to hear me out!  I'm the greatest Dark Wizard the world has ever seen!  I demand that you release me!

Guard #2: Um…no.  *pulls the arm of a nearby statue*

_//A trapdoor opens beneath Voldemort.//_

Voldemort: Oh, cookie crumbles.  *falls into the blackness, screaming the whole way*  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE…*inhales* EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………*thud*

Guard #1: That'll take care of him.

Guard #2: He he.  We're so evil.  *pulls statue arm again and trapdoor closes*

Guard #1: So…you wanna get some hummus?

Guard #2: Sure.

_//The guards exit.  Little do they know that Lucius was watching all the while from the protective covering of a nearby plant.//_

Lucius: Okay…I broke a statue ON ACCIDENT, Guards are everywhere, and my master is currently in the dungeon with who knows what.  Shit.

_//Insert dramatic music!  **DUN DUN DUNNN**…//_

~~~

_//This chapter is fin!  What will happen to Lucius?  Will he forever stay in ferret form?  Will Voldemort survive the terrors of the dungeon?  Will the guards go eat hummus or change their minds and eat souvlaki instead?  Find out in the next episode of VOLDEMORT GOES TO ZIMBABWE!//_

_//Brought to you by the friendly folks at Mazoku Enterprises Limited.  Remember, the secret to success is always a secret.  ^_~//_


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